The Ultimate Academy
by Andrew Walther & Alice Kinser
I THINK OF THE ULTIMATE AS A
FISH HATCHERY AND EVERYONE SWIMS AROUND TO BEACH BOYS MUSIC AND THEY
BLOW UP THEIR CHEEKS WHILE SUCKING ON THE WINDOW PANES
I THINK OF THE
ULTIMATE AS A MAJESTIC DAVID WITH A DUMB GRIN
In the summer you can
sit in the sun in front of the Ultimate, drink beer from the kiosk
across the street and watch the one-way traffic going up and down
Mozartstrasse.
I THINK OF THE
ULTIMATE AS A FEED AND GRAIN STORE WITH A NUDIE CALENDAR ON THE WALL
AND DUSTY SACKS EVERYWHERE
The courtyard behind
the Ultimate is a great place for performances but the upstairs
neighbors don’t like the noise.
I THINK OF THE
ULTIMATE IN THE EARLY MORNING DEW WITH WILD FLOWERS WAVES OF CLOVER
AND FAUNS AND FAIRIES SLIDING AROUND ON HORSESHIT
The radiator in front
of the window is the best seat in the house during winter.
I THINK OF THE
ULTIMATE AS A POWER BOOSTER STATION WITH IMPRESSIVE COILS AND
SPECIAL GLASS AND CERAMIC INSULATORS AND A SIGN OUT FRONT SHOWING A
MAN GETTING ZAPPED BY A LIGHTNING BOLT JUST LIKE ALICES UNCLE IRVING
The metal steps going
down into the cellar can be quite slippery if you are drunk, stoned
or in a hurry.
I THINK OF THE
ULTIMATE AS A COIN OPERATED LAUNDROMAT
At various times over
the years the rooms at the Ultimate have been used as atelier space,
practice rooms for musicians, performance space, living quarters and
exhibition space.
I THINK OF THE
ULTIMATE AS THE ONLY PLACE IN TOWN THAT STILL SERVES A DECENT CUP OF
COFFEE WHERE THE WAITRESS IS NAMED SALLY AND SHE STILL WEARS A
BEEHIVE WITH PINK FROSTING AND THERE IS AMPLE PARKING AND FREE
MATCHES
Within a one-block
radius of the Ultimate is a drug store, sporting goods store,
tobacco shop, bakery, Italian restaurant, Mexican restaurant,
Vegetarian restaurant, cafe with outdoor tables, drink shop with a
parking lot, florist, church, 2 kiosks, 2 butcher shops, 2 woody
bars and a religious book store.
Cologne 1996
ALICE AND I ARE
TRAVELLERS I WEAR AN EARRING AND ALICE WEARS SENSIBLE BOOTS ALICE
AND I ARE ARTISTS WE WALK AROUND AND TELL EVERYBODY THAT ALICE AND I
ARE AMERICANS WE TALK ABOUT OLD TELEVISION
ANDREW WALTHER
Andrew and I are
middle-aged. He has a beard and I have long hair. Andrew and I are
backpackers. He carries the tent and sleeping bags in his pack and I
carry the clothes and paperwork in mine. Andrew and I are artists.
Andrew has been one for a long time but I am a runaway housewife.
Andrew and I have been associated with the Ultimate Academy since
1989.
Alice Kinser
